ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
