I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
