You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Randomize
