My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
