it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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