if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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