dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
