True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
