Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
