I wish my penis had an off switch
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
