U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
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