JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Randomize
