I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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