I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize
