my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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