Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
