summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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