So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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