You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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