i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
