Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
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