he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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