I'm lost and stupid without you.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
