i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
i think my cat just said my name.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
