FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
