hotel room ftw
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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