Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
God I need to hump something, right now.
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