Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
