But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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