two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
