omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
How external is "for external use only"?
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
