Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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