I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
