I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
