Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
