I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
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One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
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I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
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