You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
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The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
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I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
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