i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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