I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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