She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
