Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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