what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
