I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Randomize
