This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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