just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
