im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
