I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
