Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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