9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
