He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
