i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
