____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
