He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
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