I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
