She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
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