I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
porn star boner night. come get it.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
